how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
