Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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