oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
false alarm. still invincible.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
