Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Is this like a preordered booty call?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
