We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
