I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
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Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
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Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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