Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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