What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
