life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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