I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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