he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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