I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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