Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
