I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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