Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
