He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
