Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
