you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
