I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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