even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
