Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
