I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
