Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
