My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
