i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
