the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
