i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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