who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
