checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
