walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Randomize
