Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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