I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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