At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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