i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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