I wish my penis had an off switch
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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