Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
