well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
