I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
