I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
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i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
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The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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