i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
