I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
