My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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