I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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