Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
