actually, I'm a sock model
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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