If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
