I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
