she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
