I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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