i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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