I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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