I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
