i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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