Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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