He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
