You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
