yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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