Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
